First, let me congratulate you on your election as the Speaker of the 112th Congress. It is certainly an achievement, and a first. Over the last couple of years, we have seen a lot of barriers being broken. First we had the first female Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Then we had the the first African American President, Barack Obama. And now, we have the first Orange American as Speaker of the House, you, Mr. Boehner.
But I kid, I kid. I know it's not a laughing matter. Tanning bed addiction is a serious illness affecting millions of Americans. I desperately urge you to seek professional help to rid yourself of this monkey. Perhaps you can do it on the buddy system. Maybe you can find someone else just as addicted as you. Snooki from the "Jersey Shore" might be a good sponsor on your way to freedom from "the bed." You both seem to share the same dependencies. You both drink. You both smoke. You both appear emotionally unstable.
Oh my God. Snooki's your illegitimate daughter, isn't she? Don't worry. I won't tell the Mrs. Boehner. Your secret's safe with me.
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I wanted to talk to your briefly about what you plan to do over the next two years as the leader of both the House of Representatives and the de facto leader of the Republican Party.
You made a solemn promise to the millions of zombies who elected you last November that you would balance the budget, reduce the deficit, and bring order back to Washington. And I, sir, and behind you on this. For although we come from opposite sides of the political spectrum, my corner being occupied by educated, erudite, thoughtful Americans, and yours being populated by, well, frankly nut jobs escaped from the asylum, we can come together for the good of this country and restore our nation to what is was before you and your cohorts screwed it up in the first place.
I would like to offer a humble suggestion for where you can cut some of that $100 billion from the budget you promised. It is an easy cut. It is one, which I am sure all of those in the Tea Party will be behind. And the best part is, it won't hurt the poor.
Just like we put a cap on Social Security contributions, it is time to put a cap on Social Security benefits.
It's simple. All we need to do is cut benefits for anyone making over the poverty line in retirement income, and phase benefits out completely by double or triple that threshold. It's a no brainer.
The poor elderly, those who rely on these benefits to survive, will not see one dime cut, and you will make friends of them forever. They are a loyal bunch--much like a gang of small dogs. If you are kind to them, they will vote for you again and again. Of course, if you kick them, they will bite your nuts off faster than, well, a chihuahua.
By setting these caps, we will not only save Social Security for future generations, but we will help balance both the federal and state budgets. We will save trillions and protect our legacy for our grandchildren.
And once we have protected Social Security, we can move on to Medicare. Just like capping benefits before saved the day, limiting Medicare payouts to only the very poor will restore a balanced budget without any need for new taxes.
I am sure if you examine this proposal carefully, you will see the wisdom of it.
And I am certain all those in the Tea Party will be glad to make a bit of sacrifice to insure the security of our nation.
Go ahead and ask them. You look like a fit guy. I am sure you can outrun an angry mob propelled by government-provided scooters and wheelchairs.
Sincerely,
The Angry Peasant
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